R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my shit smells like andre
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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