Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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