It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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