I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
