I hate all girls vehemently.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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