We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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