The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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