What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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