good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
