My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
