There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
