She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
