You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
