Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
