Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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