It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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