so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
