We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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