last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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