last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
