I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
