id be glad to
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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