can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
