someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
