I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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