I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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