I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Randomize
