i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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