i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
