Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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