i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
