I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
