he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
