Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
