I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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