Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
