can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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