Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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