Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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