true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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