there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
sarcasm needs its own font
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
