I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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