im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
