Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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