shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Terrible idea I love it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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