Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
