My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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