Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
