Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
