I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
