no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
