Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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